It is always revealing when reminded of how much of oneself is oblivious to your own thoughts, perceptions and actions.
So to quickly deal with the surmised motive behind my slipping behind the fence of my public facade, I'm still dealing with grief and pain. Grief for a life and love that also I let slip away, no matter the rapidly changing introspections of that period of my life. And to be brutally transparent, so much of the past few years is literally a blur. Some of it can be attributed to me painting over memories in an effort to recast myself in a more favorable light, perhaps. Then, there is a more physical cause, as I'm getting older, memories are becoming more of an hurdle to recall than in years past. And then there is the unknown that hovers over us all. What is the old saying, there are two viewpoints in every relationship and then there is the truth?
Well, I'm not sure I believe that is always the case. Sometimes there is just the truth, and two people trying to navigate their own survival in the vacuum of what used to be.
If you are still reading this in hopes of a delicious scandalous reveal, let me save you some time, that's not going to happen. The past is only worth examining if you are in search of its truth and I'm of the mindset that the truth is buried, almost beyond disclosure, and at my advanced age, is not worthy of the journey. At the risk of piling on the arrogance of that statement, sometimes people change beyond recognition, and the motives behind such a transfiguration are immense. They are also not going to be fodder in this reveal. If there is such a moment in this blog, it is the realization that I greatly miss a lot of the good, am trying to learn from the bad, and realize, most of all, that trust in another person might not be possible in my remaining lifetime.
Now, that does not mean that I don't trust, respect, and love people that God has placed in my life. Over the past year the opposite of that statement is true, I have come to rely on friends, family, and most importantly, God in ways that I never pursued, or honestly, was never interested in pursuing in such depth in years past. I am not unaware of the callous brush that statement has painted of my character. And yet, I would be dishonest in my desire to share more personal content, if I held back those types of revelations.
So my new commitment is to share on a least a weekly basis, more behind-the-curtains stories of my life. For those who find this helpful, I want to thank you for your attention in advance. For everyone else, I apologize now for revealing messy and imperfect details of my life, but to be fair, the byline of this blog was always meant to repel any "honor" toward myself, and instead, point readers to the One who is fixing me, for His glory, on a daily basis.
Thank you for listening.
